What some men think

The topic for CYARA conversation for the third quarter was “Issues Men Face in Marriage.” The pre-event survey revealed that common issues men face in marriage include communication issues, balancing work and family life, loss of freedom and friendships, nagging and criticism from spouses, sexual starvation, and lack of respect. The facilitator of the discussion, Dr. John Kpikpi, used the Biblical story of King Xerxes and Queen Vashti to highlight common issues men face in marriage.

Meet the Royal Couple

In Esther chapter one, we meet a royal couple. The king is called Xerxes or Ahasuerus, and the queen is called Vashti.  We could code-name this story, “success at work, failure at home.”  Xerxes ruled over a vast kingdom, 127 provinces. He was a mighty man, well established and a great king in all respects. He achieved and accomplished much, a great ruler, extremely wealthy, successful, and a very generous king.  He loved to show off his achievements and accomplishments. Thus, he held an exhibition to display the glories of his kingdom which went on for several months. He threw a party which lasted for seven days for all the citizens in his citadel.

With regards to his marriage, on the seventh day of the party, he remembered he had a wife and decided to show her off too, almost like an addendum to what he had been doing. He sent seven men, eunuchs, to bring his wife. When they went to the wife, they received an answer from her that shocked them. The queen refused to come. Here, the royal couple had a crisis on their hands. Who is wrong in this conflict? Participants gave the following responses (it would depend on the culture or context among whom the couple live. In some culture, Vashti’s behaviour will be completely not tolerated so the woman would be judged. They would judge the king as wrong; they are both wrong because the man did not include the wife in planning the party; She is also wrong because she reacted instead of responding and she was at the far receiving end of his anger; rather than apportion guilt, there is an error or embarrassment so it’s best to approach the conflict by finding ways to deal with the embarrassment that has occurred).

The king faced a public embarrassment, and his ego was affected, and his next move reveals an important thing men should take note of. He took his marital problem to his colleagues at work who counseled him to divorce his wife. He took his problem to the workplace and the eunuchs multiplied the charges to Vashti’s sin and advised him to divorce the woman, an advice he listened to. The workplace does not have a great deal of wisdom for marriage but for creating wealth, achieving targets, and accomplishing things at work. The marital problem should not be taken to the workplace, office, boardroom, or party.

Lessons Learned from the King’s actions

There are elements to identify in this story. Men face the issues king Xerxes was dealing with.

Work-Family balance– The first observation is that king Xerxes was very much absorbed with or consumed by his work which was the dominating thing in his life. He gave too much attention to his work and too little to his marriage.  Men love succeeding and as many succeed at work, they become addicted to success. This comes from the value system that they have.  However, they may have wives with a complaining posture.  Taking a cue from Proverbs 11:1, it does not delight the Lord for one to spend so much time at work and so little at home. This imbalance can cause a void in the life of the wife who may fill it with something else, so men are counseled to maintain a very good balance between work and family. Particularly for those in ministry, the needs will never end. It’s God who created the work environment for Adam, a wife or marriage for him and ministry. These three areas are sacred and of equal value to God. God cares about how men treat their wives (1Peter 3:7). Men ought to value their wives and marriages as much as they value their work.

Parallel or independent lives-Xerxes failed to include his wife in the planning, implementation, or celebration of the party (Matthew 19:5-6). Why do men find it difficult including their wives in the whole of their lives and how can this be overcome? Sometimes the structure of the homes makes it impossible where men live in different homes, towns, or countries. Upbringing also affects how men relate with their wives. Some of these roles are affected by gender roles, cultural norms, and societal norms. Men find it difficult to be vulnerable particularly around finances because they want to “be the man”. Men were reminded that being a man involves sharing fears and concerns so there’s needed to put down the mask and drop the shells so the wives can touch the soft part and through the wisdom of the wife a problem can be solved. It is appropriate for the couple to be included in decision-making especially if the decision will affect all the people in the house. In the discussion, men were counselled to learn skills to include their wives not only in things like parties but in bigger issues of life. Failure to include Vashti communicated rejection.

Disconnected lives-Sometimes men find it difficult to communicate with their spouses so they must learn to train themselves in holding simple conversations. Lack of intimacy can also cause disconnection. The body of the woman does not belong to her alone and vice versa (1 Corinthians 7:4). The posture of the man should be to make it a goal to make his wife the happiest woman in the world. King Xerxes was trying to make the whole city happy with drinks and a party, but his wife was not happy. Men should also develop friendship with other couples. This will enhance their marriage and friendships with other people should be known to the wife. This will enrich the marriage rather than isolate the spouse. There is a need to give due attention to the issues mentioned above. There is a need to develop humility to apologize when things go wrong as expressions of real love to one another.